I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
