Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
