I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
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