He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
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