her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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