I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
