yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
