Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
