the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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