hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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