Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
