What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
