YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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