just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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