Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
