Sry I called you an 8
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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