dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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