did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
