it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
you win again, gameday.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
