Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
there's paper in my vomit.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
