I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
