It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
