i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
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