I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
