Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I just gargled with NyQuil
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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