Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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