how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
