I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
