anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
