Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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