i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
