Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
