PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
