I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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