Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
