Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
