the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
