So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
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