He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
