You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
