I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
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