I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
