you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
She's like a pop up book from hell.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
