apparently the secret to your success is patron
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Randomize
