I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
