Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Randomize
