Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
