at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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