Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
