I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
