Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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