You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
