nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Drunk is a universal language darling
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
