Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
