I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
