woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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