Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
