Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
What drink are we having for lunch?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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