the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Randomize
