and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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