well you can't waste a boner
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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