..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
too bad you live with your parents still
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize