Im at strip club and am horny
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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