Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
