Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
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